When in the South….

 After writing the previous article on how seniors are less adept at handling cold weather, it occurred to me that maybe that was the reason for the boom in retirement communities in the south.  Perhaps seniors, knowing they can no longer tolerate the extreme cold of northern winters, long for views where the only white powdery substance in sight is the sand on the beach or the pits on the golf course. 

Or maybe that isn’t it at all.  Maybe it’s the prices of real estate in the south that haven’t skyrocketed like so many other parts of the country — well, not yet and comparatively speaking!  Then again, just maybe it’s the people, who with their good ole’ Southern hospitality and charm, continue to attract so many searching for the perfect retirement community.  Being a Southerner, I’d like to think it’s the latter, but in reality I think it’s all of the above.

No doubt being such a big, spread-out country there will be differences in the way people live and think and speak from one coast to another.  Sometimes there are even significant differences within individual states.  In my home state of Louisiana, for example, there is a huge difference in dialect and character between the northern and southern parts of the state, and well, New Orleans could be a state in itself.

Though the South has oftentimes gotten a bad reputation for being “behind the times” with social and educational issues, in my opinion that type of mindset is too often exaggerated.  Our schools teach Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity the same as in other states, it just may not become preferred conversation over a cup of coffee. 

True, there are still some significant differences; and to help those Northerners making their way down South, here are some things about Southern women and just Southerners in general that may ease your transition:

• Southern women appreciate their natural assets:  Clean skin.  A winning smile.  That unforgettable Southern drawl.
• Southern women know their manners:  “Yes, ma’am.”  “Yes, sir.” “Why, no, Billy!”
• Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:  “Y’all come back!”  “Well, bless your heart.”  “Drop by when you can.”  “How’s your Momma?”
• Southern women know their summer weather report:  Humidity, Humidity, Humidity
• Southern women know their favorite vacation spots:  The beach.  The rivuh.  The crick.
• Southern women know everybody’s first name:  Honey.  Darlin’.  Shugah.
• Southern women know their religions:  Baptist.  Methodist.  Football.
• Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:  S’vanah.  Foat Wuth.  N’awlins.  Addlanna.
• Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:  Men in uniform.  Men in tuxedos.  Rhett Butler.
• Southern girls know their prime real estate:  The Mall.  The country club.  The beauty salon.
• Southern gals know the 3 deadly sins:  Having bad hair and nails.  Having bad manners.  Cooking bad food.

More Southernisms:

• Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “have” them, you “pitch” them.
• Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
• Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
• Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in “Going to town, be back directly.”
• Even Southern children know that “Gimme some suger,” doesn’t mean a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in the little bowl in the middle of the table.
• All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is.  They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
• Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a bowl of cold potato salad.  If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
• Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between
  “a right near” and “a right far piece.”  They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
• No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
• A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
• Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines … and when we’re “in line” we talk to everybody!
• In the South, y’all is singular, and all y’all is plural.
• Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
• And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.  You just say, “Bless her heart,” and go on your way.
• For those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, …..bless your hearts.
• And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need is a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads, “I’m not from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”
• Southern girls know that men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!
• If you’re a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it, we know you got here as fast as you could!